What a year. I swear I’ve blinked and it’s gone. It’s been a year of trials, tribulations, tears and more love than I can ever explain to you.

I’ve also never realised how much I am completely winging life. Googling my way through every worry, because obviously the world has been quiet for the last 15 months. Everyone has been struggling on their own terms and need not be burdened by the worries of someone else. It’s been a lonely place to be… and then all of a sudden, we have been injected into the world again.

I feel like I’m learning to socialise all over again, and speak in groups of more than 6, well you can forget it. Who talks first? Where do we look? Am I over sharing? Who knows. I’m so glad Tessa is just learning to communicate now and doesn’t have to relearn everything because that’s tricky even for someone who’s got half their shit together.

So today is Monday 19th April 2021 and this Friday is our daughters 1st Birthday. I cannot explain our love for her. She’s feels like the first bit of sun after a year of cold. As I write this.. she is taking her 3rd poo of the day and it’s only 9:30am. God help my soul! 😂😂

I remember this time last year being so anxious about being induced, trying everything to get her out naturally so that I could stay with Doug whilst in early labour, looking back now good job I didn’t otherwise neither of us would be here now. Scary thought really.

Just like any parent, I’m completely consumed with all sorts of emotions about her turning 1. She’s the most amazing person, but also how the fuck is she 1? Like I cannot recall 361 days going by? What have we even done? I do remember this time last year was bloody scorching, no such luck this year though is there? Typical.

I swear for like 6/8 weeks after Tessa was born I was going through some PTSD. My anxiety was through the roof about everything. I remember reading about other people’s experiences of being near death, and they wrote about how it made them less scared of dying, but I tell you what, I was fucking petrified. I felt like everything was out to finish me off and I just wanted more than anything to be with my family. Tessa and Bella hit it off like a house on fire. Doug was a fantastic Dad and husband. I missed my family and didn’t even get to hug them after the trauma that was our birth.

Obviously things are fine now. I’m here waffling on to you lot, if even anyone is reading 😂 that’s fine if you’re not, it helps writing things down.

But here we are 4 days off Tessa’s first birthday and I cannot sleep. And when I do sleep, my nightmares are awful. My worst fears come to life. And I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m happy. We have a lovely home life. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some scares this year. For myself. For Tessa. For Bella. Doug has been an incredible rock. We’ve lost people on the way, that I can only hope are with us somewhere. But these nightmares.. they’ve come completely out of the blue. I wake up full of anxiety, but I can’t tell you what for. My chest is tight. I’m warm all the time.

And then this morning it hit me..

Our daughter is nearly 1. That means in a few days time, it was 365 days ago that I nearly didn’t come home. Sounds like I’m talking about someone else now.. but that’s the reality of it. And from everything I’ve read, it’s really common to relive everything we went through in those scary first couple of days of Tessa’s life. and the best thing to do is talk! That’s what I did when I struggled before, and that’s what I’m doing now.

What a year it’s been guys. I can’t believe how much it helps to write things down. The reason I started this blog in the first place, but I don’t feel I’ve been able to just talk the way I am able to now. Perhaps that means we really are through the worst of it.

I’ll catch you up soon, tell you what we got up to for little Miss’s birthday. She’s going to have an amazing day! I can’t wait to eat some cake!

Back in August, I was hospitalised with Sepsis, and it quickly became apparent that I wasn’t going to be able to go back to work when I had planned. I remember panicking about how I was going to pay people back their deposits, the ones I had moved due to Covid restrictions. I was 6 months down with no income and all savings had gone on paying our bills and for food, plus Doug having to take time off work to look after the girls whilst I wasn’t well enough. Thankfully most of my clients were happy enough to move their deposits over until I was back to work.

I had recently saved up enough money to buy a LumiSpa, what we my skin slowly going back to how it was before I got pregnant and it was really getting me down. I decided against it, knowing I had no income and shouldn’t really be spending money on myself, but Doug encouraged me to buy it and then if I liked it he said I should give it a go at promoting them to try and make the money back, plus £100 here and there just to afford the small things I enjoyed.

From my research I had found out that the LumiSpa was an award winning cleansing and exfoliating device, and after spending £££ over the years I thought why not. Last resort. The results looked brilliant, and the reviews were a lot more positive than negative.

It turned up within a week, and within 4 days I noticed a difference. My skin felt clean? Like I never felt like my skin didn’t have residue on it, no matter what I used. And I couldn’t justify facials as regular as I’d like them 🙈😂. Within a week my skin seemed so much less angry, my usually dry, flaking skin was soft and smooth and even had a natural glow to it. My break outs were few and far between and cleared up so quickly. The longer I used the Lumi, the more results I saw. I wasn’t after a quick fix, I was after long term results, but for me this had both.

I thought this would be the perfect product to offer to my customers. Being a bridal Make Up Artist, skin is so important, and 95% of us struggle in one way or another. The more people I knew saw of my results, the more they wanted the same. They knew I’d struggled with my skin for so long, and seeing results of someone you know far beats those of strangers.

The more I spoke to people, the more I realised that having problematic skin is such a common thing for all of us, and now I was able to help people aid their skin, rather than just cover it. I am by no means a professional, just spreading the word about a product I love, and that works for me and countless of my customers.

I honestly knew I was helping people, and I could not explain what that meant to me, knowing I couldn’t work the hours I used to, I wanted to fill our that need to help and provide. And also contribute towards my family life again. I’d had a job and been healthy for 10 years, to have that ripped out from underneath you is a strange and limiting feeling. So I feel like I’ve found a new calling. And when the time comes, I’ll enjoy being back to work, but in this crazy world, I’ll be here telling the world about my magic skin solution, and helping where I can.

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I have been going back and forth about whether I wanted to write this blog post, I actually posted it back in May and became so overwhelmed with the response I had to delete it. I think sometimes it’s important to share your story, but also I don’t want to scare anyone. So this is your official TRIGGER WARNING. Please only read on if you’re prepared. This blog post contains some graphic information about childbirth, although please rest assured my situation was very uncommon and only happens to a small handful of people.

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On Wednesday 22nd April 2020, Doug dropped me to QA hospital to be induced for labour, as I had suffered with high blood pressure within my pregnancy and they wanted it to be at a manageable level when I gave birth.

I was checked, and had a pitocin gel inserted and left for that to work for 6 hours. Doug couldn’t come in with me until I was in established labour or my waters broken, so I was desperate for things to start working quickly. Within 2 hours I was having contractions 6 minutes apart, and by the time the 6 hours was up I was having contractions 3 minutes apart. Although they weren’t too intense, I was glad something was happening.

Due to there being no space on the labour ward, I was due to have another gel inserted about 6pm, but baby was being a little monkey, so was monitored until 7:30pm and then they were happy to insert another gel. This gel worked very quickly and the contraction intensity picked up, but stayed 2-3 minutes apart. I was due to be checked around 1:30am on the 23rd April 2020, but at 11pm my waters went. I was left for a little while but the contractions amped up so quickly I was taken to labour ward and Doug was eventually allowed to come in. He was with me by 12pm, however by this time I was having no breaks in contractions and I was pretty certain baby was on its way.

The midwife checked and I was only 4cm, but the pain was so intense and I was having no breaks at all, and due to baby being back to back the pain was all over my tummy and back. I started to feel like something was wrong. I shouldn’t have been having this many contractions in a 10 minutes period.

I was checked again and within an hour I was at 7cm. At this point I asked for pain relief, I couldn’t do it naturally anymore, but the midwife suddenly pulled the emergency buzzer and loads of people rushed in. My placenta had abrupted, meaning it had come away from the wall before baby was here.

This was at 1:30am. I had to sign a form and I was taken away for an emergency C section and put to sleep as they had to get baby out fast. I had to leave Doug in the room. I had never been so scared in my life.

At 1:46am on 23rd April 2020 our darling baby girl, Tessa Charlotte Mew was born. Weighing 7lb 3oz. And she was perfect. She came without a scratch and not problems. I’m in awe or how quickly they go our baby out. Things could have been much worse if they didn’t.

I was brought round about 3:30am and told everything went well. Although I was gutted that both myself and Doug had missed her birth, I was glad things were done. At this point I thought I’d wet myself. But with having a catheter fitted was told that wasn’t possible. I continued to feel like I was wetting myself, so I was checked, and was losing a lot of blood. I was taken to a room and checked and managed to hold Tessa for a few minutes before Doug being brought in and I handed her over due to not feeling right. It turns out my platelets weren’t working, so my wound from my placenta wasn’t clotting and I was losing a lot of blood.

A few hours later, nothing was progressing, and Doug was told that there was a chance I wouldn’t make it. They couldn’t get my blood to clot, and at this point I’d lost 4 pints. My kidneys started to shut down, along with my liver and my lungs.

The next 15 hours were touch and go. And even though I was awake, I wasn’t coherent. Doug had to do it all. Feed. Change. Worry about his baby and his wife, and also try and keep in contact with family, in a room with no signal. I honestly believe he’s a real life super hero. I for one could not remain calm in that situation.

I had a shit tonne of drugs and 5 blood transfusions, lots of oxygen, and by Saturday I was starting to feel like myself again. Every day I improved and thanked my lucky stars that Tessa was in perfect health.

The doctors couldn’t believe how well I seemed, considering how my blood work was coming back, but I just found strength from somewhere and kept going. I was a mummy to Tessa, Bella, and wife to Doug, a Daughter and I needed to get healthy. I believe me not knowing the severity of the situation helped me get better quicker as I didn’t have the worry of potentially dying on my hands. It was only on the Saturday morning that my midwife told me, and myself and Doug sat and chatted about it. It’s still very difficult and emotionally to talk about now, which is why I wasn’t sure whether to write it down or not, but I actually have found it has helped.

I was well enough to be moved to the recovery ward on the Sunday morning about 12am, but this meant Doug had to go home. We saw the positive that I was well enough to be on my own with Tessa but I missed him terribly. My lovely midwife had arranged for me to have my own room due to everything we’d been through and that was a godsend.

On the Monday morning the doctor came round and told me although my iron levels were very low and I’m classed as anaemic, I could go home. I have never been so happy in my life.

I was desperate to get back to Doug and Bella and start recovering at home. He picked us up at 2pm and we have spent the last two weeks as a family, taking things one step at a time. I’m starting to feel like me again. But my mindset has changed. The things that were important before, just aren’t anymore. My family mean everything to me. But I already knew that. Not being able to hug my mum and dad and brother, has been the hardest thing ever. I’m going to squeeze them all for the longest time, and never take life for granted again.

Please don’t let this put you off. I will definitely have another baby. But maybe not just yet.

Recovery will be long. Months instead of weeks. Chance of infection and being weak will continue to effect me. But my support is amazing and I have never been so happy in my entire life.

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Here’s my little add on to what I wrote back in May. My last sentence being “chance of infection” proved very real. Fast forward to August, and I woke up at 3am feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. I thought it was due to flipping the mattress, but then when I started being violently sick, then I thought maybe not.

As the day went on I felt progressively worse. To the point I couldn’t stand without feeling like I was going to lose consciousness, and trying to look after my 3 month old baby was proving more and more difficult. I remember being so worried I was going to pass out with her in my arms. I called my mum asking her to come round, and shortly after 111. Something wasn’t right.

Because of my symptoms they sent an ambulance, and when the paramedics got here my temperature was 41.5 and I had signs on a kidney infection. With my kidneys failing after childbirth, they needed to get me to hospital for monitoring.

I got there, had a Covid test, a brain scan, kidney scans and constant monitoring. My heart rate was 188 beats per minute and they weren’t sure of the cause. Since giving birth to Tessa I had never felt right and Doug was adamant I had an infection internally.

I was diagnosed with sepsis and began the long journey of trying to bring my temperature down, and find the right antibiotics without affecting my breast milk.

I was pumping and dumping until Doug told me he was running out of milk I had frozen at home, so my mum has to come and get the milk from the hospital that I was saving. Along with bringing me snacks.

It turned out the sepsis had come from food poisoning and it had infected my blood really quickly. I was so thankful that my body wasn’t shutting down again. And that they were able to treat me so quickly. I was out of hospital in 3 days. And began the healing process again.

Due to lack of income due to Covid, I felt like I needed to go back to work without being ready. But thankfully Doug wanted me to take more time off, so I gave myself the next 5 weeks off.

This week was my first week back and my god I’m tired. And I still don’t feel 100% ready. But the bills don’t wait. Recently I started promoting a brand I really recommend and believe in, and the sales of these products have meant I can spend time with my family and focus on actually being healthy again. It’s enabled me to work limited hours.

So I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has listened to my babbling. But more importantly to everyone to has supported me and purchased from me. Your purchases through me have enabled me to focus on family time, which on two occasions this year, I was so worried i may never get again. You have given me time to heal. And I hope by 2021 I will be back to fighting health. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

Well it’s been a minute. I’m so fucking useless at juggling my time. All or nothing as my mum always tells me. I chucked myself into work and keeping busy, so nothing really exciting happened in my life whilst I was cooking Baby Mew, now March hits and the whole world has gone to pot.

I am doing my best to stay positive but with all this time on my hands now I can’t work (I planned to work until the last minute) it’s so hard to keep your brain in check.

I can massively appreciate the time I have been given to get everything ready for our arrival and also put my feet up, which I don’t tend to do often. But I feel sadden that’s my choices have been taken off me. It’s lovely that myself and Doug get time to bond with our baby and also allow Bella time with her baby brother or sister without having people in and out of the house, but I feel heartbroken that our families can’t meet our child and potentially won’t get the bonding time and socialising that I have always envisioned with our first child. I can’t get my head around our baby won’t be a tiny baby when he/she eventually meets everyone and to me that’s not fair.

I keep thinking to myself that there are so many people who have it worse than what I do, and I should stop feeling sorry for myself. But I cannot fucking wait for this all to be over.

Please everyone stay safe, and let’s get out this shit show ASAP.

Yesterday we shared the news that we are having a baby next April and although we are so excited, it has not come without its difficulties.

Once you decide you want to start a family, there is automatically an overwhelming pressure. If it doesn’t happen the first month is there something wrong with us? Do I need to lose weight? Does Doug need to stop smoking? You instantly put your whole life under a microscope and question everything.

When you work out how all this malarkey works you realise how people get so stressed. How the fun could be taken out doing the dance with no pants and I always said I never wanted that to happen, but you can’t help but always have in the back of your mind – was this time the right time.

I knew I was pregnant when I took the test. I was 3 days off from my period and my boobs felt so painful and I was being sick (which has unfortunately been horrendous up to me typing this) but when the second line came up I was still in disbelief. I remember texting Doug a photo whilst he was doing a poo because I was so nervous and excited to tell him. He didn’t believe me for about 2 weeks until he saw me chucking my guts up after everything I ate.

If I could give any advice to anyone is to relax. I know how much easier it is to say, but a relaxed mind is a relaxed body.

I’ll delve into morning sickness and cravings and all the odd stuff in my next post.

I cannot believe it’s been 8 months since we’ve tied the knot and I want to look book with high levels of nostalgia.

When we were looking for a venue we decided that we weren’t going to be dictated by location. If the venue was perfect, it was perfect. And if it suited our budget then that was it.

We stumbled across The Olympic Gardens in Cyprus and it was like no other venues we’d seen matched up.

I’ve never seen anything so magical, and when we went to view it, we were both blown away.

We had toyed with jetting off the Mexico, but this venue stole our hearts.

The venue is set within the Olympic Lagoon Aiya Napa Hotel and we have such amazing memories from our Holiday, let alone our wedding day.

The staff go above and beyond to ensure your holiday and wedding day in particular, is everything you dreamed of. I am a worrier and struggled to relax in the days leading to our big day, but I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to chill. They took every single bit of stress off my shoulders and the day turned out more perfect than we could have ever imagined.

With the job I do, I come into contact with brides 20 times per week and since our day I have been able to help a huge number of my clients book their day at this amazing venue and get their heads around how it works booking abroad.

You will not be disappointed if you book this venue.

A special thank you to:

Charlotte at Olympic Lagoon Wedding Team

Castan Photography for our incredible photos

Paper Flowers, Emperatriz Weddings and Richie Roo Designs for the most stunning decor

And finally

The Bridal Mill for my Stunning dress that I will go on to in another post

Apologies for being MIA recently. It’s turned into that time of year where I have to schedule time to go for a wee.

With my job, from April onwards, it’s all go. 24/7, 12 hours a day and by the time I finish, I crash, have tea, go to bed and it all starts again.

I was lucky enough to go away to a gorgeous cabin in the woods last week, courtesy of my husband and oh my god, did we need it.

It was amazing to spend time, in the middle of nowhere, eating, drinking, sleeping and having my phone turned off 95% of the time.

For anyone interested in going, it was Forest Holidays – Blackwood Forest. We have been three times now and I always sulk when we have to leave. It really is the epitome of relaxation.

Before we left I’m not ashamed to admit I was struggling. I was tired. My skin was awful. I’d worked 19 days in a row without a day off, and was behind on admin. I was worried about the loss of money from being off for a week due to myself and Doug being self employed. Don’t work, don’t get paid kids.

The trip away really enforced how important it is to have you time. And that’s not just one day a week when you need to catch up on cleaning and life, and also try and fit in quality time with those you love. It’s taking a break away from it all. The only thing I cared about was that Bella was settled (it did take her a while to get used to her new surroundings) and whether my drink was full or not.

With world mental health week upon us, I want to encourage everyone to set aside time to think about themselves. Even the strongest minds struggle from time to time.

Those words are hung on a plaque in my parents downstairs toilet, gifted to them from a very special lady.

July 4th, 2018, we lost a dear friend. One of those friends that leaves holes in your heart, that could never be filled.

Nothing can prepare you for the sudden loss of someone you love.

Darling Ali, my mums best friend, came into our life when my brother started school. So aged 4 or 5? I used to walk Harry, my brother, and Ali’s eldest child to school everyday and I would occasionally babysit her two children and Harry whilst the parents went out drinking.

Ali and her husband were always around, great friends to my parents, and both of them lit up the room. They were the life and soul of the party, and I would always look forward to the evenings that they would be round.

So when it came to inviting people to our wedding and my hen party, they were on top of both lists.

They were actually the first to book their accommodation for our wedding, even before me and Doug.

June 15th 2018 myself and the girls flew to Crete for my hen do and upon arrival they all surprised me with such thought gifts and goody bags. Ali had put together a survival kit that I will cherish forever.

Two days into the hen do and Ali started to feel unwell, and you all know when you’re poorly you just want to be at home. She was worried about upsetting me by not being involved, which just shows the sort of person she was, but I encouraged her to go home if that’s what she wanted to do. So three days in Ali got a flight home. It was really sad to see her go, and my mum definitely missed her. I know now she wished she gone home with her, but chose to stay for my hen do.

When we got home on the 20th June, mum called me to tell me Ali was in hospital and she had cancer. To be honest with you, I don’t think I realised what she was saying. In my head and in Ali’s, we thought she had contracted e-Coli, so to hear she had cancer was completely overwhelming.

The next morning my mum called me in tears, worried about her friend, so we went to see her, and were pleasantly surprised by how well she looked, and by the 23rd June, Ali’s birthday, she was home.

Less than a week later, Ali was rushed back into hospital, so we went to visit her, and all she was worried about was that her chemo was going to conflict with the wedding and she wouldn’t be able to come. Again, it just goes to show what a selfless person she was. I promised her, we’d have a party to celebrate when we got back.

Less than 48 hours later, she was gone.

This amazing person had been taken from her beautiful family, and everyone who loved her.

I know a lot of hearts shattered that day. Hearts that will never be the same again.

I’ve always reinforced never falling asleep on an argument, but if you take anything from this post, just hug those you love a little bit tighter, and let them know you love them. Every. Single. Day.

The day we got engaged will always be one of my favourite memories.

In 2010, my Mum and Dad got married at Dreams La Romana, Dominican Republic, overlooking the ocean.

The setting was so beautiful, and quickly turned into my favourite place on earth.

How couldn’t it be with views like this?

Fast forward 6 years, and myself, Doug, my Mum, Dad and Brother booked to go back. And I was so excited!

I had booked for my mum and dad to have a day by this private pool for their anniversary, which they would be celebrating whilst we were out there.

It looked so pretty, so myself and Doug decided to book for a day too, so a week into our holiday, we got up early, went to the gym (what weirdos) and headed to this amazing little private pool.

Now the weather was starting to turn bad and it was actually the beginning of a 7 day storm. As you can imagine, I was furious. So we decided to get stupidly drunk before lunch!

We got so unbelievable boozy and pushed our lunch back the latest we could, but my god was it worth it! Just look!!

We had even ordered chocolate covered strawberries, but when the waiter asked if we were ready for them, Doug told him that we would need them anymore. I was not happy! I’d really been looking forward to them! Haha!

Doug started pestering me to go get a photo on the veranda, which was the exact same spot as my parents got married, so we could show my mum and dad but it was pissing it down and was I heck going out in that! At which point my mum and dad has actually walked over to see us and said they’d take the picture for us.

I gave in and braved the rain so Doug could get his picture, and just whilst the picture was about to be taken, Doug got down on one knee, and proposed.

I was so overwhelmed until I noticed Doug had opened the ring box upside down. Imagine that, losing the ring right over the ocean! But it definitely made us laugh and helped me get over this huge thing that had happened.

Of course I said yes!

And by this point, I think Doug was so relived that it was done that all the alcohol we’d drunk earlier hit him at once, and he started rolling around in puddles.

Safe to say, he was tucked in bed for a nap 30 minutes later, it took 3 people jumping on him to wake him up, and I didn’t even get engagement sex!

Now let me tell you, these are some nasty little bastards!

When Bella was 4, she had what we thought was a spot on her ear, but when it hadn’t gone down after a couple of months we got the vet to check it out and they said they wanted to remove it to see what it was.

I wasn’t particularly worried, but 10 days later I got a phone call to say it was a Mast Cell Tumour, which is a type of cancer in dogs. My heart sunk but the vets explained that it was stage 1, and because they got all the lump and clear margins, they weren’t worried.

Nearly two weeks after this lump was removed, 7 popped up in its place. I was heart broken, and turning to the internet for answers when I knew this obviously wasn’t going to help. Again we spoke to the vet and they said they were going to monitor them, but due to their location they would, now let me quote, put their mortgage on that the lumps weren’t Mast Cell tumours.

We got the biggest lump removed and as suspected, it was again one of these tumours, so the vet then removed the rest. I was furious. How dare they give false hope, only to pull it out from under you.

When the results came back, all were Mast Cell Tumours but thankfully, Stage 1 with clear margins.

Last summer, 5 more turned up. By this point I was losing hope, and felt that our Bella was a factory for these horrible tumours to multiply. The vets told us that they weren’t going to remove them unless they grew as it wasn’t necessary to keep putting Bella through the surgery only to get the same results.

It was a long summer or checking each lump every day, making sure they hadn’t grown, that new ones weren’t turning up, and thankfully they weren’t.

One day in September, we gave Bella a bone and she chewed that bone all day. When we woke up the next morning, Bella had a huge lump on her lip, and we assumed it was where she’d bitten down on it from chewing her bone. But as the weeks went on, the lump didn’t go down and a new one had popped up on her ear and was growing.

Bella was due her vaccines anyway, and as soon as we went in the vet said she needed her lump on her lip removed straight away because it didn’t look good. Again I was heart broken. We had 3 years of pretty positive diagnosis and now they were worried and I was even more so.

Bella went into surgery straight away and whilst she was under, they removed all the other lumps and sent them off to be checked.

Two days before we were due to fly to Cyprus for our wedding and leave Bella with a lovely dog sitter, I got a phone call that shattered my heart into thousands of pieces.

The lumps that had been there for a while, were Stage 1, clear margins.

The new lump on her ear was Stage 2 and no clear margins due to being in a tricky place.

The lump on her lip was unfortunately Stage 3, the worst you can get, and although they got clear margins, they didn’t take all the tissue away, as Bella would lose half her jaw, and ultimately make her life more difficult.

With Stage 3, they always say it is very likely it will come back. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to fly to Cyprus, I wanted to stay with my girl, but there was nothing I could do.

We spoke to the vet about our options, and decided that we were no longer going to keep putting Bella through surgery, when they weren’t quite clearly going to keep coming back, and chemotherapy only worked 1 out of 5 times with this particular cancer and ruins the dogs quality of life.

We decided we wanted Bella to have the best life (as she already did) for however long we had left with her, rather than filling her with chemicals.

Unfortunately, Bella still has a few little lumps, some relatively new, some since the last operation, but we have taken a holistic approach to her healing and at the moment, we are kicking cancers arse.

All I know, is my dogs will have the best life possible, and that’s all we can really do.